We’re a little delayed tonight. Gym, Chipotle, some of the Gilbert Arenas/Wizards game, waiting for special guest mocker Philly Girl, who will help keep the jokes fresh tonight.
Before I get started…I was talking on the phone with the State of the Union address on mute. I saw Dikembe Mutombo sitting next to Laura Bush. Someone please fill me in!!!
Also, I did catch bits and pieces of the show when it was live tonight. This recap will be on my first FULL viewing. Sorry if it loses some authenticity. Thanks again to Comcast DVR for allowing me to do this!
– We’re in Memphis tonight, baby! What’s the over/under on Elvis impersonators?
– Apparently, the city is empty because EVERYONE (except for the trolley driver) is trying out for Idol. He needs an attitude readjustment.
– Randy likes donuts. I’m shocked.
– Frank Byers is a male cheerleader. And he brings the entire cheerleading squad. He’s got spirit, yes he does! Call him “Frank and Beans.” Classy.
– I like him better than the judges do, and he doesn’t make it through. He needs the PERFECT CHEER!!!! His entourage breaks into song and dance and use Ryan as a human pyramid! This is AWESOME entertainment, dear reader.
– See-moan: “Did somebody tell him he didn’t get through?…Not being rude, but can you shut up?” Again, he is consistently the best entertainer on TV. Ryan says See-moan is a bit of a bitch today. No comment.
– They find the most boring person, Timika. She’s 16, from Chicago, but now lives in Memphis. I compared someone to melba toast last week. But I think it’s better here.
– She mumbles all of her words and See-moan has NO CLUE what she is saying. I’m with you, buddy. Timika DOES remind me of a classic cartoon character, though. Randy reluctantly translates for See-moan.
– Timika: “Can I sing another song?” See-moan: “It’s completely pointless.” She then sings another song. And flicks off the camera.
– Christopher breaks a cardinal rule by singing Stevie Wonder. Next.
– Alexis is the 3rd straight auditioner that nobody can understand. Paula does her mocking shoulder shimmy. Sweet.
– We meet Sundance. Where’s Butch Cassidy? Sundance’s father, Roy Head, had the #1 song in America, “Treat Her Right,” which got knocked off by the Beatles. Very cool.
– He’s the best we’ve seen so far this season. By far. Honestly, right now, he’s the leader in the clubhouse. See-moan: “I’m gonna be amazed if you don’t make the finals.” See? Great minds think alike!
– Wandera is pretty decent, but the judges don’t think she’s unique enough for the competition. She’s not happy. I side with her on this one. She should have made it through to the next round. You can’t say someone’s a good singer then send them home!
– Isn’t it ironic that Memphis has sucked so far?
– Here comes Travis to perform a song that reminds him of his girlfriend and he gets so emotional every time her performs. He then boogies down like only one man has before. And look what happened to him! This is more like slam poetry.
– Show takes a turn for the better when Danielle comes on. I like her dance. She tackles Aretha Franklin and does a damn good job. A little to choreographed, but I’ll watch her sing every day. Randy wasn’t THAT impressed. But I disagree. She’s got a little Pickler in her, with some Underwood pipes. And that’s Day One.
– Day Two starts with everyone wanting to reach out and touch Paula.
– Holy crap. Topher is obese, recently divorced, has a SWEET neck-chin beard with no sideburns or mustache (I call it the Fat Man Beard. No disrespect to overweight men, but you never see skinny dudes rockin’ that look), and has a crush on Ms. Abdul. Philly Girl makes her contribution to the recap: “Did his wife leave him for someone who doesn’t sleep in Star Wars pajamas?” Truer words have never been spoken.
– Ugh…Topher wants to win the competition so his ex would come grovelling back to him, only so he can kick her to the curb. Keep it real, playa…keep it real. When you become the next American Idol, you’ll have PLENTY of ladeeeez to choose from.
– He calls his ex a “bitch” on national TV. Randy suggests Paula as a new love interest for Topher. See-moan: “I’d stay single.” Paula responds with a titty-twister. Please click on that link. You’ll thank me after.
– Topher dances like this:
– I’m as shocked as you are that he didn’t make it.
– Janita wears sunglasses inside–because her future is SO bright. She also almost has several wardrobe malfunctions because her bazoombas are SO unsupported. See-moan: “Well, Janita, you are a handful.” I’d say two handfuls.
– Shawn looks like the lovechild of Matisyahu and Fidel Castro. And he’s from Arkansas, were there aren’t many Jews or Cubans. To each their own. He rocks Johnny Cash and might be the suprise of the season. He then kicks ass by doing the Mary Catherine Gallagher “Superstar” move.
– Melinda, a professional backup singer, breaks the cardinal rule by singing Stevie Wonder. But she’s the exception to the rule and was VERY good. She has no confindence, but a ton of talent.
– Elvis is in the building. Or at least a guy that thinks he sounds like the King. Robert looks stunningly like one of my favorite musical talents of all time: FLAVOR FLAV!!!!!! No grillz, though. And VH1 probably won’t have him do 25 shows. Of course, he sounds nothing like Elvis.
– Contestant: “I’ve been having an anxiety attack all day. I think I forgot my medication.”
– Oh my goodness gracias. They had a 400-pound woman sing “Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love.” That is so amazing. These producers are the cruelest people in the world. She was just…so…so…literal!
– Some guy pulls a towel out of his crotch. GONG!
– Next contestant missed the birth of his daughter to try out for the show. I’m, not going to judge, but that’s kinda messed up. He sings “My Girl.” Except for the awful beginning, it was pretty good. The judges put him through and he runs to go see his newborn child for the first time. He’s got a little big of the Chris Daughtry simple, bald, family man appeal.
– And we’re done. Tomorrow is The Big Apple!
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