American Idol – Week One, Night One

My helpful DVR tells me the Top 12 guys will sing tonight.

– Seacrest starts off by calling this “the biggest season yet” and proclaiming that they’ve found the best talent.  What about Bucky?

– We’re back in the “small” Idol studio.

– Welcome back Rickey Minor and the Gang, our house band.  What happened to Kool?  (You don’t get links on that joke.  You either get it or I’m getting old.)

– The guys do the “look at me I’m cool” walk through with a doofy pose, as the ladies sit in front.

– The gameplan: We’ll here the guys tonight, the girls tomorrow.  The bottom 2 of each gender go home.  We do this until we have 6 of each left and then the fun really starts.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

– Randy swears he’s being more honest.  Seacrest calls him out for lying in the past.

– Damn, Paula’s got some big hair tonight.

– See-moan gives the best advice to the contestants: “Sing well.”

– And we recap the auditions.  I fast forward.  I love DVR.

– Rudy is up first.  He auditioned with “Open Arms.”  He’s a starving musician.  See-moan hates Rudy, or something.

– Rudy’s “Free Ride” isn’t too shabby.  He’s a little high-pitched for me.  You remember those “Saved By The Bell” musical performances?  Felt like that.   Don’t remember the sounds of Zack Attack?  Take a look:

– Not a bad way to start the “season.”  Randy called it corny.  LIKE ZACK ATTACK!  Paula was supportive.  See-moan says he’s not unique.  Paula gasps, while Randy supports Mr. British.

– Seacrest chills in the Sponsored Cola Lounge.  Chris Griffin talks about how pretty all the boys are.  Chris Timberlake swears he’s not nervous.

– Brandon, one of our back-up singers, is ready to step up.

– Don’t know how I feel about this.  His “Rock With You” is really dull.  It’s a dance song.  He hits the high note, but overnd all seemed uninspiried.  Randy calls it pitchy and weird.  Paula reminds him he’s the front man.  See-moan calls it “safe and predictable.”

– That brings us to Sundance Head, who’s on the all-name team this season.  He fought through Hollywood week.

– “Nights in White Satin.”  Interesting classic choice.  Despite the Uncle Kracker hair and demonic beard, he has great stage presence.  Best performance of the night, so far.  Randy, Paula, and See-moan disagree with me.  It’s OK.  They want him to go back to the bluesy guy who auditioned.

– Time for Paul Kim.  He tried out because he wanted one last shot before abandoning the music industry.  Oh!  He’s the barefoot guy.  Nobody’s gonna change him.  Riiiight.

WHAM!!!!  Paul karaoke’s “Careless Whisper.”  Sounded like he was singing through his throat.  I’ve done that same performance in my living room.  That’s not a compliment.  His high note wakes up the neighbor’s dog.  Judges like him but not his performance tonight.  See-moan suggests he puts his shoes on next week.  Seacrest goes barefoot in a show of solidarity and admits he just had a pedicure.  Oh-kay.  Let’s hear the song done right:

– Chris Timberlake (his new official blog name) is the local DC-area guy favorite.

– He does an upbeat happy-go-lucky version of Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be.”  Was it Bo who did it a few years back?  Or Constantine?  I’m not so hot on my Idol history.  HELP ME OUT, PEOPLE!  Either way, the other version was much better than this.  It got better towards the end, but still not good.

– By the way, Gavin DeGraw spent some time at the best school in the world.  Randy liked it.  Paula loved it.  Chris’ dad bopped in the crowd.  See-moan agrees with me.

– Apparently, The O.C. will end on Thursday.  I have a confession.  I have NEVER watched a single episode of that show.  Where’s my “Party of Five?”

– Nick had trouble with the lyrics in Hollywood.  Even after See-moan told everyone NOT to mess with the lyrics.  He messed up last season, too.

– Bust out some old school…Richard Marx’ “Now and Forever.”  Richard Marx is completely underrated.  Here’s another RM classic:

– I thought he was decent.  Randy didn’t like it and thought it was boring.  See, I had time to go on about Richard Marx.  See-moan thought is was OK.  Unfortunately, one of our better performances of the night.  First contestant See-moan has said would be back next week.

– Oh, this should be interesting.  The Beatbox sings!   But first, Seacrest flirts with the girls.  He auditioned with “Crazy,” earning major points with me.  The beatboxing is entertaining, but maybe not right for this competition.   He isn’t retiring his talent, but will focus on the singing.

– Beatbox rocks Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know.”  He strumbled over the high notes, but otherwise was damn good.  I enjoyed that.  Randy: “I kinda dug that.”  Word.  Paula gushed.  See-moan compliments him on his modernity.  Best of the night, according to See-moan and myself.

– Sanjaya “Donnie” Osmond says his sister is supporting him.  He’s one of the more self-aware singers in the group.  And the youngest.  He just got his GED, or, in the words of Chris Rock, “Good Enough Degree.”  I don’t really like him.  He seems to have this “I’m too cool for school” air about him.  Hence, the Good Enough Degree.  Oh shut up you pretentious prick!  When my sister got cut, I felt like half of me was gone?  Shut up.

– He covers Stevie Wonder again.  It worked in his audition, but not now.  Bad Version of Stevie is Cardinal Sin #1.  I think they are trying to turn him into a David Cassidy-like figure.  Good idea, but it won’t work.  Randy agrees that trying Stevie was a terrible choice.  Paula: “You’re a sweet soul.”  But then she criticizes his performance.  See-moan gets a CLASSIC zinger in: “The irony was the the most used line in the song is ‘I don’t want to bore you with this,’ and it was, without question, the most dreary performance we’ve had all night.”  Have I mentioned yet how awesome See-moan is?  Pout away, Sanjaya.  Seacrest stirs the pot.  Sanjaya and See-moan reach an understanding on the goodness of each other’s hair.  What a weird show…

– We look back at Chris Griffin‘s original audition with “Kiss By A Rose.”  He confesses that the producers made the arena full of people sing “Sweet Home Alabama” 37 times.  Gotta love TV.  He was one of my ones to watch.

– Well, he said song choice would be his strength, and he picked an obscure song, “Typical” by Mute Math.  Never heard of the song or the band.  Definitely a statement song, with the line, “I don’t want to be typical” being the words that seem to define him.  Cool.  Very good performance.  Randy joins me as a Chris fan.  Paula signs up.  See-moan likes Chris but wasn’t feeling the performance.

– Y’know, Chris reminds me more and more of a 2007 WWE Hall of Fame Inductee, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes!  Judge for yourself:

– Chris zings See-moan by saying he isn’t bad just because he doesn’t sing Il Divo or Teletubbies (two Cowell projects).  I was considering putting pictures up, but…well…it was Il Divo and the Teletubbies…

– Back from break, Seacrest is in the Sponsored Cola Lounge with the three remaining performers.

– Jared lost his job waiting tables to try out.  His Hollywood Week “Cupid,” was one of my favorites of the week.  He delivers a smooth 90s R&B performance of Brian McKnight’s “Back at One.”  Kind of fell apart at the end after a good start.  Trouble with the high notes.  Randy and Paula thought it was OK, not great.  They expect more from him.  See-moan reminds us it wasn’t very risky.

– Time for The Phenomenal A.J. Tibaldo.  “Never Too Much” by Luther Vandross.  It’s decent, not show-stopping.  Maybe it’s the first-night jitters?  Judges agree.  See-moan thinks A.J. might be better than he first thought.

– Phil, who missed the birth of his daughter to try out, looks kind of like a young Michael Stipe and is the final performer of the night.  His version of Edwin McCain’s “I Could Not Ask For More” got better as it went on.  Started really soft, but the energy picked up.  His wife is happy.  And…what the hell…it was one of the better performances of the night.  Randy calls it the “best vocal of the night.”  Paula loved the chorus, as did I.  See-moan agrees the beginning was rough, but that it was OK.

– Basically, tonight was a “Hi, here we are” edition for the guys.  Blake and Phil are shoe-ins, the rest are shaky.  Who goes home?  Crap shoot.  Barefoot Paul and Sanjaya can leave and I wouldn’t care.  Who’s gonna win?  Way too early to tell.  These guys have a LOT of growing to do.  Nobody stood out as a star tonight.

– Beatbox Blake gets the MVP (Most Valuable Performer) award tonight, edging out Chris (Griffin) who called See-moan out for the Teletubbies.

Back tomorrow for the ladies.  Spread the love!  Thanks for reading!

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2 responses to “American Idol – Week One, Night One

  1. 1. Bo sang Gavin
    2. Celebrate good times, come on!
    3. Chris = Jack Osbourne
    4. I miss party of five… next time i see you, we’re having a marathon. I need a good bailey fix haha

  2. Pingback: American Idol - Week One, Night Two « Because You Need A Laugh

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