It seems like oh so long ago that we toured the nation, searching for the next American Idol. In truth, it’s been a week since our last search show, not counting the brilliant “Best of the Rest Hour.”
Now, in the previews for said program, they showed someone dressed like Alvin the Chipmunk.
I was depressed that the guy wasn’t shown, since I wanted to show you something I found. But, screw it, I’ll post it anyway:
OK, with that done, let’s move on to Hollywood.
– Day 1 – Breakfast at 8:00am. 172 people. Yeesh.
– The first day is for the ladies only. And there are TWICE as many women as men.
– They startin groups of 6. Everyone gets :30, then it’s yes or no. Makes sense.
– Jory Steinberg (who I remember liking), starts us off on the right foot. Geri, Kelly, Lisa, Christen, and Jeromishia aren’t as impressive.
– Axeline #1 – NONE of them make it!!! I’ll take Jory if they won’t! See-moan: “Girls, you’re all going home…none of you are any good.” Burn. I guess they needed to weed everyone out quickly.
– PERLA!!!! For those of you who are new to the party, Carla first called Simon “See-moan,” as she gyrated like this:
– Needless to say, Perla is a favorite of mine. She gets off the plane and acts like a superstar. Her audition is subpar.
– Axeline #2 – Perla makes it!!!!! Rachel doesn’t. BUT PERLA IS THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She can’t really sing, but DAMN, she is entertaining! See-moan calls her out on it, which is fine by me.
– Baylie Brown, our resident Texas city girl trapped in a farm life, was good again.
– Axeline #3 – Baylie makes it. I don’t think she’s THAT good. And she’s really young. I’d like to be seeing some of the other good contestants, but I guess they only have time to focus on a few.
– More axlines – They cut the girl who they gave the unprecedented second shot to, the girl who lied to her father about trying out (see, that’s what you get for lying) and the girl who trained like Rocky:
– Did they cut too many on the first day? Eh. Better now than later, right?
– Nicole ends the day sounding like a soul diva. Nothing wrong with that. Well, except for the fact that she goes home. And somehow her song selection was a major fight with her mom. Who confronts the judges. See-moan tries to tell her that SHE was the reason she didn’t get through…NOT the song choice.
– Day 2 means it’s time for the guys to step up. Sundance is confident.
– Brian, who failed Hollywood week last year, sings well, but doesn’t blink.
– Jarrod, the guy who won his military contest and looks like Bull from Night Court, is underwhelming in his rendition of “You Raise Me Up.”
– Matt, who had no support from his parents (his mom doesn’t hug him enough), felt loved when he made it to Hollywood. He’s not bad, but a little breathy.
– Axeline #1 – Matt and Chris (the guy who looked like Jack Osbourne) make it through, Jarrod gets cut. Matt calls his mom. Again. And cries. Again. I really hope this doesn’t become a pattern. His mom said she loved him. And he cries more.
– Hold up. We see 2 of the guy performers? Oh, here’s a recap. The Seattle Champion Beatbox advances. So does Matisyahu Castro (you remember him).
– The 92 remaining contestants get to choose their groups. Not everyone has a group. Matt has no friends. Maybe he should cry less.
– A cowboy returner from last year…they show a clip of his group from last year. I remember the short kid had never been 10 miles away from his cow farm or something like that. Yee haw. His new group stinks, too.
– Chris and the Beatbox in the same group. Sweet.
– Score!!! Baylie teams with Amanda and Antonella! Eye candy galore! A&A start fighting and Baylie wishes she had another group. We’ll call them Double A+B.
– Ut oh. Perla doesn’t fit in with her group. Random girl: “I’m not comfortable going to bed.” Sounds like a personal problem to me. Leave my Perla alone!
– Double A+B have lyrical issues (ie, forget the words). Amanda is a defeatest, predicting doom. Baylie: “I’m going to make it.” That’s it, honey…always look on the bright side of life (I’ve been dying to sneak in a Monty Python refernce):
– Group Day begins with some groups falling apart at the scenes. Double A+B have trouble remembering the words
– See-moan: “Do not forget the words.” Alrighty then.
– Jose forgot the words. He’s done.
– Matt also forgets the words. He is also done. He calls mom. And strangely, doesn’t cry.
– Oh no. Perla stunk as the rest of her group kicked ass. And she goes home. And I weep like Matt.
– Chris and his group, including the Beatbox, deliver the performance of the night to far with “How Deep Is Your Love.” All of them went through! That was damn good.
– Sundance, despite a subpar solo audition, made it through to the group round. His group audition is better, but I’m not sure how the judges will respond. Wow…they send him through, but it’s not unanimous.
– Let’s check in with Double A+B. They have issues in the bathroom. Then pledge their undying friendship to each other, no matter who does or doesn’t go through. Riiiiight.
– Antonella has great legs and an OK voice. Baylie forgets the words. Amanda, our resident ho, also forgets the words. And looks extra trashy. That was brutal.
– OH NO!! Baylie goes home and Double A make it through? Total injustice. And their undying friendship is broken in the hallway. I am shocked. And appalled. Amanda confirms that both she and Antonella are hos.
– Matisyahu Castro got cut. NO!!!!!!!!!!!
– Day 4 begins with 56 left, with 16 on the chopping block today.
– They each perform one last time before the judges do their dirty work. We see none of the performances.
– The contestants are split into three rooms. Antonella and Amanda are split, as are the brother-sister pair.
– Room One: 20 people. And they all go through. (Duh, that would kill the suspense)
– Room Two: They all go through!
– Room Three: They go home.
– Rooms One and Two party. Amanda the Skank didn’t make it. The brother made it through; no such luck for Sis.
….And that’s where my DVR conked out. Thanks, Comcast. So, we’ll be back tomorrow night to get to 24!
Thanks for reading! Spread the word!!