And here we go with Week Three of auditions. Will they ever end?
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We’re in Alabama tonight. Ryan reminds us that some of the biggest names in Idol history, including Bo, Taylor, and Reuben (literally…the biggest!) are Alabamians. Also from Alabama: This Bo (he knows). Crud–half the people reading this probably have 1) no clue who Bo Jackson is and 2) never seen the “Bo Knows” commercials. I feel old.
– We’ve got misfits in the crowd. Including the Mayor!
– See-moan shows up on time today! Unlike the unfortunate hangover in NY. Then he promptly changes his shirt. OK. Weird.
– Erica Skahhh is a hottie from Auburn. WAR EAGLE! (Thanks to Mr. Hypens for teaching me that) She’s studying biological science. Good to see motivated youth!
– Wait. Hold up. My new girlfriend thinks that LEEANN RIMES wrote “Unchained Melody.” Try BUSTA RHYMES, honey. She should return to school. And never sing again. Randy’s reaction is CLASSIC. Then she forgets the words. See-moan: “Erica, it was like a never-ending torture.” She then continues to sing. Paula can’t watch, and, despite Erica’s hotness, neither can I. Wait, I’ll just mute it!
– After tons of bad singers, we meet Katie, another 19 year old.
– Blog Friend Andrea: omg this girls speaking voice makes me wanna kill myself. I agree, my friend. I agree. She sounds like this:
– Katie SWEARS her singing voice is nothing like her speaking voice.
– Dammit, she’s right. And not too bad. Paula and Randy end up on their knees. Enough said. WAIT! Katie’s married? He looks so lame with his upturned collar and complete lack of a personality. See-moan looks so unamused. And she goes through.
– Our next contestant is tiny. And thinks trying out is the biggest thing she’s ever done in her life. Did I mention she’s 17? I thought tying my shoes was a big deal when I was 17! (For the record, I mostly wear slip-on shoes) Or…first kiss? (For the record, that was at 16).
– Tatiana has a BIG voice in a little body.
– Update: Diana has a BAD voice in a big body. She makes the judges and me crack up laughing. Apparently, she get s a standing ovation whenever she sings in public. Randy: “When they stand, do they exit really quickly?”
– Back from the break, Bernard looks to be the next Birmingham superstar. He tries out with old school Jack-o. Good enough for me. See-moan gives him a 100% yes. Paula says no. Bernard appeals to the Dawg Pound and Randy puts him through!
– She want’s to start a line of plus-sized clothing. By showing us parts of her body that nobody has any interest in seeing. I’m sorry, but words can’t describe my emotions right now. Thankfully, Edvard Munch put a picture to my feelings.
– She shows her number to the judges. I just ate…
– Randy does a beat box, as See-moan has a look of utter disdain in his eyes. See-moan says she looks like, “an Easter Bunny nightmare experiment.” And I couldn’t agree more. Then, to be an awesome jerk, coaxes her REAL age out of her. 33…wait…no…50!
– They don’t actually SHOW us a bunch of good auditions. Too many freaks on the show.
– Next blonde bombshell has a story…her father is paralyzed and her grandmother helps take care of the two of them. She wants to win to get a rancher home for her grandma. I hope she’s alright.
– Hold up. Her father shot himself. He caught her stepmom cheating on him…like…walked in. Shot her, then shot himself. Yikes. That’s an awkward silence…
– Randy and See-moan agree with Paula’s critique that Jaime Lynn has a nice voice–when she’s not powering through the song. Paula then does an awkward dog pose that looks something like this. And we’ve got a super-tan Kellie Pickler for this season.
– More good stuff from Chris. Randy: “Why are you hear, man?” Chris: “I really wanna make David Hasselhoff cry.” This guy is CLASSIC!
– Damn, he’s got a pretty good voice. Does a good version of “Kiss By A Rose.” He’s through.
– Because it’s one of my favorite song (and probably a top-30 movie song of all time), I give you, Mr. Heidi Klum!
– I think I need to post more of the GENIUS Geico Caveman commercials. Brilliant stuff.
– Last time, See-moan was absent on Day Two (see above). This time, Paula has a “family obligation.” I’ll reserve comment on that one.
– Blog Friend Andrea aptly-named our next contestant “ZZ Top” even though the producers went with the other obvious sight gag. She has never had a hair cut. And her mom has gone decades between trimmings, as well. Doesn’t Hair Cuttery have a good deal? She says she sings like a pretty princess.
– Randy: “It’s to the floor.” And I now have a very dirty Lil Jon song stuck in my head.
– Umm…she was…there. With the hair, long dress, eerie mother, and Josh Groban song performed operatically, I felt like I was here:
– Randy puts the hair through, but leaves Victoria behind.
– Lakia claims to have the total package. Unfortunately, she has no elements of the total package. See-moan: “What. The Hell. Was That.”
– Other bad contestants thank the judges.
– Nicole brings her team with her. She wrote a song in pre-school to prove to her mom that she had talent. They do the gratuitous butt-shot. She’s only 17!!! They can’t do that! What is she? Let’s say it together: JAILBAIT! Team Nicole was shot down. It happened to my team, too.
– The final contestant is Brandy, a Birmingham native. And she performs Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” a statement song in Madonna’s career, setting her apart from the rest of the music industry by embracing sensuality that was now easy to get across in music because of the advent of MTV. Brandy’s version set us all back to 8-Tracks.
– See-moan: “Brandy, everything about that was wrong.”
– Brandy: “Maybe it’s the floor or something?” See-moan: “Of course!” Randy blames the left wall.
– See-moan asks Brandy to sing on the carpet, to test the “Blame the Floor” theory. To her credit, it was marginally better. But a marginal improvement on horrific is still pretty cruddy. She can’t handle the truth. The problem, I believe, was the ceiling. Floors and walls get blamed for so much of the ceiling’s talent-sapping powers.
– Hilarity ensues with Brandy. She insults Randy, pokes fun at See-moan, and rants and raves. Solid.
– Tomorrow, Los Angeles. See you then!
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