– We’re in Seattle, in the pouring rain, for more auditions. Nine thousand people show up. Gotta be some good ones. On ly 17 made it threw last night!
– Start with some Hendrix – Voodoo Child. Liking this show already.
– Apparently there are some screamers in the crowd.
– “The Hotness” looks more like Pizza the Hut. (You knew it was only a matter of time before I snuck a Spaceballs reference in! May the Schwartz be with you!). See-moan: “No, we are not giving you any love.”
– And The Hotness won’t shut the hell up. She calls See-moan a sheep-music listener.
– OMG! It’s Margaret Cho! Wait…no…just a woman who’s husband doesn’t want her to be there. “Ever since I was young, I’ve struggled with myself.” Okay… So she has no self-esteem, a rotten husband, and a terrible voice. Maybe her husband was right. See-moan: “What is the reason for the bad?” New favorite line.
– What the hell is with people singing when the judges are screaming for them to stop? Even though she stunk, she’s a winner because she has a son. Good for her.
– Darwin, AKA Mischa, brings her mom and the personality of melba toast. Then she dances and I temporarily go insane. Ryan says she’s bringing sexy back. (Shudder) Her twin…I mean…mom, wrote a novela with her. And based a character on See-moan.
– Holy mother trucker. I’m literally laughing out loud watching this! Darwn: “Don’tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” See-moan: “No.” THIS IS WHY HE IS THE FUNNIEST HUMAN BEING ON TELEVISION! “Appalling” makes it’s first appearance of the season.
– In perhaps the most ironic moment so far, they play Fantasia’s cover of Milli Vanilli. Here’s the irony: The non-winner of a talent show records a version of a #1 hit that was in the forefront of the biggest scandal in Grammy Awards history…and it’s being played on a show specifically designed to show the non-talents.
– Tommy has a great fro. And quit his job to take the elevator to the top. His words, not mine. Great voice. Best of the night so far. Keep an eye on him. Randy: “I like your fro, too.” Somehow, Seacrest is holding a chiuaua.
– Next contestant, Carlene, is just oddly shaped. Randy makes the joke before I can. What’s gotten into him this season? He’s brilliantly entertaining so far! And Charlene grinds. Paula joins in. Charlene: “I don’t have a big booty. I’m fluffy.” Better than expected, but not good enough for LA. Seacrest: “You normally don’t sound like a goat?” Oh my…her boyfriend has a mohawk. This cannot get better, can it?
– We’ve got a champion beatboxer. Interesting. He sings one of my alltime favorites. He’s OK, not great. See-moan: “I think you’re easily pleased, Paula.” He goes through.
– More terrible people. Mini-rant: Yes, they produces must be putting through people that they know are terrible. They are producing an entertainment television show that they can sell advertising for. The money isn’t in people who are a notch or two below the cutline. The money is in the most awful, terrible, pathetically-untalented people out there. And that’s why we watch.
– Rejects promise that we haven’t seen the last of them. Oh…I do believe we have…
– Nick, a socially-awkward computer engineer, tries out with Unchained Melody and promises to get a Golden Ticket. He is historically bad. See-moan looks like he’s about to Hulk Up. Randy, on the performance: “None of the things you want singing to be.” Ouch.
– Rudy does some justice to Journey’s “Open Arms.” Randy’s former band. And the last guy goes through. Alright.
– Oh no. They did it again. They found the two most awkward rejects in the world, positioned them next to each other in line, and recorded their misadventures. Awesome. One looks like the alien from Mac and Me. The other looks like Chris Farley.
– The Alien walks in talking like K-Fed. He talks a big game. And sings N-Sync. Paula can’t stand to watch. Neither can I. See-moan absolutely kills the Alien. Paula: “I think you’re awesome.”
– Farley is up next. I change my mind. He looks MUCH more like this guy. TRUFFLE SHUFFLE! Mr. Chunk is, of course, terrible. Alien: “He sounds real good.” See-moan shatters his dreams. GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!
– Alien: “I do not look like a monkey.” Umm…I’m with See-moan on this one.
– A Taylor Hicks knock-off is next. OOOOOKay…he’s a hairdresser. He says looking somewhat like Taylor has helped him with the ladies. Sure it has. It hasn’t, for sure, helped him with his singing. See-moan makes him swear on his mother’s like that he was taking it seriously. TH2 swears he isn’t drunk. Brilliant! Security stops him from styling the judges’ hair. Brilliant!
– Paula: “There are troubled people here.” Amen.
– Anna is very tall. And going to Hollywood.
– Up next is 16-year old Jordin. She’s got her some pipes. See-moan calls her too sugary. I prefer Splenda.
– They had everyone sing the Pussycat Dolls. TH2 gets confused about his gender. Strangely, they show nobody who I wish my girlfriend was hot like.
– Big Red looks like a member of the Manson Family. And I think he likes it that way. He also compares himsef to Carrot Top. He also says he’s has good as Freddy Mercury. He is much more like Carrot Top than Freddy Mercury, by the way. No, that’s an insult to Carrot Top. Red then mixes all his metaphors. And we leave Seattle.
– Next week, Memphis!
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