And we’re off!
For these audition shows, I’m not gonna give full play-by-play…just notable items (of course the hilarious ones)
8:00 – Recap of Taylor Hicks winning Season #5, followed by the most successful Idol alums. They take credit for Jennifer Hudson…that’s kinda funny…Word to Chris Daughtry. His album is great!
8:02 – What? SEVEN audition cities? This is going to go on forever!
8:04 – Recap of Prince on the finale last year. And now they are starting in Minnesota…makes…some…sense…I think…What’s the sound of ten thousand people singing “1999” in unison? Not good.
8:05 – Jewel, my favorite non-Gwen Stefani yoddler, is helping the judges tonight. Of course she has a new album. What about telling her story of living in her car and making her dreams come true?
8:08 – What a way to start…a terrible Jewel wannabe! She, of course, doesn’t believe it. Let go, honey. Randy and Simon give her amazing career advice. Randy: “There’s other things to be great at.” Simon: “The good news is that you found out today.” I love Simon. She vows to continue singing.
8:15 – There really isn’t anything much more painful than seeing someone who doesn’t know they aren’t that good. They truly believe, for whatever reason, that they are the best. I do feel bad for them. But I do also love when Simon piles it on 🙂
8:17 – Troy is “Urban Amish.” He’s never seen American Idol. Doesn’t know the judges. He’s the new Blog Mascot.
8:18 – More rejects – Carrie Underwood reject, a terrible crooner, etc
8:19 – Jesse has “elite vocal range.”
8:20 – Or…he doesn’t…even after a water break…he makes me WANT to listen to Celine Dion! BAD MAN! Jewel: “Not a chance.” I love her.
8:24 – Jesse starts a petition to have the judges fired. If by “judges” you mean “Paula,” you might have a signature here!
8:29 – Oh man…it’s Apollo Creed! I swear I typed that before he said he was dressed that way, by the way. He sings an Italian aria…and it’s pretty awful.
8:31 – Denise is a crack baby, her words. She’s wearing shades because her future is just that bright! She’s a little screamy, but I dig it. She’s got some pipes. And she goes through!
8:36 – www.becomeanmm.com
8:39 – More Denise. Cool.
8:40 – Apparently, everyone in Minnesota forgot their words. And we must help them. Like myself, Tashawn only knows one line of a Prince song. Unfortunately for her, she’s on national TV. I’m sitting at my coffeetable wearing sweatpants.
8:44 – Oh man…Perla calls Seacrest out for being short. That’s a no-no, right? She looks a little bit like Shakira. I like her already. She calls Simon See-moan. More points. PLEASE KEEP HER for my entertainment. See-moan: “Moochas Grassyass.” Again, I compared her to Shakira before anyone else. I’m the man tonight.
8:47 – YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Perla goes through! She IS entertainment! (And hot.) She offers the cameraman her autograph. I might be in love.
8:52 – Only women going through. OK. So here comes a cowboy. OK Corral. He’s no Bucky.
8:54 – Did he get beat up in school? A lot? Worst Johnny Cash ever. Randy translates See-moan’s insult: “That was awful.”
8:56 – A Naval officer tries out. What happens if he makes it? Do we lose the war? He’s not that bad. He also looks like Bull, the baillaf on “Night Court.”
9:06 – The worst voice teacher EVER butchers Aerosmith. Randy tells him to switch careers. I like this Randy.
9:14 – Michelle from Excelsior, MN is OK. Her teeth are distracting. She’s going to quit her job.
9:16 – A bunch of people quit their jobs or got fired for trying out. Nice…
9:17 – Dayna’s boss flew her out. See-moan makes tasteless jokes. I love him. Dayna was rolling before screeching the highnotes. The bring the boss in and rip her in front of him. Paula is nice but firm. I like this Paula.
9:22 – Matt does an overly-breathy “California Dreamin.” See-moan likes it. I really didn’t. He cries when he calls his mom to tell her he made it through.
9:28 – A woman in the Army Reserves is our second military contestant of the night. Kinda pitchy, but not bad. Jewel: “You have to go through boot camp to like Simon’s personality.”
9:32 – These midwest accents are making my night! “I’m going to skoool up in Doolooth.”
9:38 – A plus-sized woman calls herself the biggest fan. No comment.
9:39 – Jason does a street-performing pole twirling act. See-moan: “Even the juggling was pathetic.” And while he claims otherwise, Jason is not a good juggler. Randy books him on “American’s Got (Some) Talent.” This is the greatest night Randy Jackson has ever had. It’s not, however, a banner evening from Jason, who breaks down. Jason: “I can tell they hate me…The said Minneapolis has no talent because of me.” Jason’s mom: “You’re gonna be famous.” The BIGGEST fan watches on.
9:42 – Brenna: “Me and Idol are like BFF.” Ace Young drew her a heart. And she got it tatooed on her wrist. I love her. Naturally, she is the worst contestant to ever audition. Paula looks like she’s seen her childhood dog come back to life. Jewel looks like her record deal was taken away. HA–Brenna has a DEGREE in vocal performance! I can’t write comic gold like this! Who gave her the degree? University of Phoenix Online? (Thanks for that one, Allyson!)
9:50 – A compilation of people butchering Prince. PANCAKES! The Cowardly Lion and the Cowboy come back. And PERLA! Apollo Creed makes a cameo! Randy: “Prince will never be on this show again.”
9:52 – Rocker Josh’s dad: “I’m proud as punch.”
9:53 – Josh sounds like my Magic Bullet blender. See-moan gives us a sneak peekof this season : “Week Seven is ABBA week. What are you going to do?”
9:55 – He returns to do the most disturbing version of “Dancing Queen” ever. He then does Barry Manilow, making my mom smile, I’m sure 🙂 See-moan: “In a year’s time, you’ll thank us for not putting you through to the next round.” I thank you already.
9:58 – See-moan kisses everyone on his way out. Jewel looks forlorn.
9:59 – Tomorrow looks even better than tonight. Oh my.
Season #6 is underway! Good stuff…good stuff…