Jump In My Car

I can’t believe I haven’t posted this yet!  This video is among the inspirations for this entire blog to begin with!

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, I proudly bring to you…David Hasselhoff’s “Jump In My Car!”

Seriously, you will sleep better tonight for having seen that music video.  Thank me in the morning.

From Death Valley…The Undertaker!

On the heels of the popular Hulk Hogan and Macho Man entries, there has been demand for more wrestler profiles. So, who better to take a look at than the Deadman, himself!

Here is the end of his debut match at Survivor Series:

What about one of the weirdest nights ever, when the Undertaker “died” and rose to the ceiling?

Classic graveyard promo from 1996:

Damn…a look at the devastating Tombstone Piledriver!

His badass return at Wrestlemania XX:

And, finally, if you still don’t get it, here’s 75 seconds of awesomeness:

THAT, is The Undertaker! Enjoy! (I’ll take suggestions on future profiles, too)

American Idol Guidelines – The Cardinal Rules of Song Selection

OK, friend.  The time has come for the Cardinal Rules of American Idol song selection.  This season’s competitors REALLY need a refresher course on these key guidelines.

I. Under no circumstances should you attempt a Stevie Wonder song.  Ever.  (Caveat: Unless you can pull it off.)  Stevie done well is a career-maker.  Stevie done poorly is a terminal mistake.

II. Other singers that are off-limits: Mariah Carey, Celine Dion,  Christina Aguilera, Michael Jackson.  I know you think you sounded good singing “Dreamlover” or “Genie in a Bottle” or “Man in the Mirror” at your high school talent show.  But you stunk, compared to them.

III. Singers that are risky, but not off-limits: Aretha Franklin, Luther Vandross, Eddie Vedder.  Again, avoid them if you can, unless you have the golden pipes.

IV. Do not cross gender lines early in the competition.  This one is simple. Guys, if you’ve heard a guy sing the song in a popular, successful version, go for it.  Same applies for the ladies.  But if the only guy to attempt to sing a song is Michael Bolton, stay away!  (Prime example: Antonella Barba’s butchering of Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” last week.)

V. Sing songs with actual hooks.  Seriously, if there is a song that as a teeter-tottering or middling chorus, don’t sing it!  Doesn’t make them great songs.  Just means it won’t connect with the audience or show your talents.  Remember, this list is designed to help you!  Case in point, the girl who sang “Brass in Pocket” last week and Katherine McPhee’s KT Tunstall cover.  Two great songs that just didn’t fit in the context of American Idol.

VI. Choose with Cajones.  Don’t sing a Journey classic unless you are prepared to have Randy tear you apart.  Never make fun of Paula’s escapade with a coyote/wolf/rapper.  Don’t mess with See-moan unless you can back it up.  Yes, he was behind the Teletubbies.  But he has more money than you will ever dream of.

VII. Be Yourself.  Know why Chris Daughtry was so good?  He gave every performance his own spin.  Sure, he didn’t win the competition, but his song and album topped the charts for weeks.  Over the course of the show, he built a musical brand that connected with the audience–a brand that was featured on his album.  Simple, no?

So there you have it, the Seven Cardinal Rules of American Idol Song Selection.  Follow me, kid, and you’ll go straight to the top!

I’ve Got A Fever…

…and the only prescription…is more cowbell!

More Macho Man!

By popular demand, I’ve found more Randy Savage classics!

Can you handle MORE 80s cartoons?

This came from the internet’s favorite East Village Idiot:

Good lookin’ out, my friend!

American Idol – Week One – Results!

Sooo…the Comcast DVR let me down tonight, failing to record American Idol AND The Office.  I’m bummed about that.  Curses, new-fangled technology!!!

Results gleaned from various sources:

Skankilicious Antonella was not cut.  Well, kids…just leak photos of you topless and/or urinating and you too can get a second chance on national TV.

Cut List:

Barefoot Paul – no loss…he butchered “Careless Whisper!”

Amy Krebs – don’t remember her at all

Nicole Tranquillo -also, don’t remember her

Rudy Cardenas – he deserved another week

———-

Basically, the guys are bad, the girls are mostly forgettable.  There are 6-8 REALLY good ones and 1 or 2 with GREAT potential.

So ends the first week of the competition in earnest.

To make up for missing the show, here is a special bonus!  Chris Daughtry’s amazing version of “Hemmorrhage” from last season.  It was the performance that truly convinced me he was gonna make it!

Curveball!

Nice full-count curveball from the judge in the Anna Nicole case!

Read the story here.

It was a case of nobody “wins” as the court did what it felt was the wishes of Anna Nicole, not what her lawyer, or boyfriend, or estranged mother SAID she wanted.  Good job.

But what about the estate?  Is that in the hands of Dannielynn’s legal guardian?  And what about a paternity test to see who is her rightful father, thus, her legal guardian?  What if it’s neither Stern nor Birkhead?  Do they track down everyone who claims to have slept with Anna Nicole in the time period?  What about the doctor who supposedly gave her methadone while she was pregnant?  And why was he licking her in a gay bar?  And why were both Stern AND Birkhead watching?  And what about the clown makeup?  Why did the Bahamanian minister lose his job over this?  Won’t her grave be a new Graceland?  And what about the potential effects drugs would have on the baby?  If Dannielynn is damaged from potential and alleged drug use of Anna Nicole, what will happen? 

I want to respect the dead here, but how many men was she sleeping with on a regular basis?  I mean that as a serious question.  No less than 4 people claim to be the father (not to mention me).  That means that within a short window of time, she would have slept with each of them, perhaps multiple times.

I’m not judging…just asking the question.  To each their own.

We’ve heard many people claim to be the father.  But none of them are shooting down the other potential dads.  So they aren’t even bothering to jockey for position.  It’s like….who knows who fathered this kid?  Draw some blood and find out!  It’s paternity, not CSI!

And when there is an issue of paternity, there is only one person to call:

American Idol – Week One, Night Two

Going to be quick and durrty tonight.  My parents had some computer trouble, so I went to their place to investigate.  Stayed for dinner and the show.  I normally like to rant live, but life happens.

- Top 12 Women tonight.  They can’t be worse than the guys.

- We  start with a recap of the guys.  Didn’t watch?  I did, so click here to read the recap.

- Everyone seems to be in denial over how awful the guys were.  Kind of sad.

- Seacrest tries to cut down Randy.  Jerk.  Randy was in this band:

- More of Seacrest trying to stir the pot.  I hope this does not become a recurring pattern.

- First up is Stephanie.  She’s 19, but looks 29.  She cries during her interview.  Guh.  Her version of Alica Keys’ “How Come You Don’t Call Me Anymore” wasn’t perfect, but definitely set the tone.  Better than any of the guys.  Randy says America will see the difference between the genders tonight.  Burn.  See-moan: “It looks like you came out and said ‘I want to win American Idol.’”  Well-put.

- Seacrest and the ladies are in the Sponsored Cola Lounge as everyone lies about the goodness of the guys.

- How can I describe Amy’s rendition of “I Can’t Make You Love Me?”  I say “pedestrian.”  Randy calls it middle of the road.  See-moan calls her “forgettable.”  Who??

- Dog-walker Leslie does a Dusty Springfield-esque version of Carole King’s “(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman.”   She’s there.  Cute.  Good stage presence.  But…bland.  Randy gives me an idea for a future post: Singers and Songs to Not Perform on American Idol.  Coming soon.

- Wait…what?  Sabrina is a professional singer?  GET OFF THE SHOW!!!!  What the hell?

- At least she did a good job of a song I can’t name.  Ah well.  Best of the competitio so far.  Judges liked it across the board.

- Sabrina says she didn’t want to sing a pure ballad because they don’t work.  Hmmm…

- Next up is Skankilicious Antonella,  who apparently, had someone take a photo of her urinating.  I won’t link to it.  Or the picture of her and her friends topless on the beach.  Enjoyed both, but this is a family-friendly site, you see.

- Skankilicious does a ballad.  And it stinks.  Unfortunately, it was one of my favorite ballads, “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing,” by Aerosmith.  It was seriously one of the worst performances ever on this show.  The judges tell her she’s pretty.  She’s Veronica.  I always liked Betty more.  Randy busts out the line of doom: “What do you think I’m going to say?”  She’s done.  Here’s how the song should sound:

- Back in the Sponsored Cola Lounge, Jordin pontificates on being 17.  Her upbeat rendition of Tracy Chapman’s “Gimme One Reason” is well above average, for sure.  I enjoyed it.  Judges want her to push herself moving forward.  Works for me.

- Time for Nicole, a voice major.  And apparently, an overachiever.  For me though, she ruins Chaka Khan.  Paula  completely disagrees with me, but to each their own.

- Hayley reminds me of a less-processed Katherine McPhee.  Mini-rant: A few years ago, DC Comics had a character who was a “golden boy” superhero.  He did everything right, said all the right things, had a shiny costume, but didn’t have the heart because he had never lost anything or done anything wrong.  Basically, he was a nice guy doing all the right things, but he was ultimately flawed because he was too perfect.  That’s Katherine McPhee.

- Back to Hayley.  Her “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” was a big hit with my family, but not  the judges.  On hearing it again, I side more with the judges this time.  She’s got the talent, but needs a better song to showcase her voice.  The song was apparently inspired by my least-favorite high school lit book.

- Our back-up singer Melinda Doolittle OWNED it!  She has officially left the Supremes to become Diana Ross.  Powerful, fun, engaging…everything it needed to be.  It was a “real world” performance of Aretha’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” (not to be confused with Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone”).  Awesome.

- Crying Alaina chooses a GREAT song that is TERRIBLE for this competition, The Pretenders’ “Brass in Pocket.”  It just doesn’t present her skills properly.  It’s a flat song.  Not a bad performance, per se, just the wrong song to sing.  See-moan points out the irony of the line, “I’m special,” being repeated in a performance that wasn’t.

- That brings us to Gina, who hated Perla.  We dislike Gina for that reason alone.  Her “All By Myseld” wasn’t my cup of tea, but the judges seemed to like it.  How about an “American Bandstand” version?

Check out his hair…THAT’S OLD SCHOOL!

- We end with LaKisha, who’s living in Ft. Meade, MD.  Yeah, local ties!

- Best performance of the season so far.  “And I’m Telling You…” from Dreamgirls.  Ballsy song choice to do this song just a few months after former Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson did it in the movie adaptation of the show.  Judges gush as she gets the standing ovation.  The bar was raised to a new level.  Wow!  See-moan thinks about telling the other 23 to go home now.  Happy birthday to LaKisha’s daughter!

Most Valuable Performer: LaKisha, obviously.  Props to Melinda, as well.

Results tomorrow!

American Idol – Week One, Night One

My helpful DVR tells me the Top 12 guys will sing tonight.

- Seacrest starts off by calling this “the biggest season yet” and proclaiming that they’ve found the best talent.  What about Bucky?

- We’re back in the “small” Idol studio.

- Welcome back Rickey Minor and the Gang, our house band.  What happened to Kool?  (You don’t get links on that joke.  You either get it or I’m getting old.)

- The guys do the “look at me I’m cool” walk through with a doofy pose, as the ladies sit in front.

- The gameplan: We’ll here the guys tonight, the girls tomorrow.  The bottom 2 of each gender go home.  We do this until we have 6 of each left and then the fun really starts.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

- Randy swears he’s being more honest.  Seacrest calls him out for lying in the past.

- Damn, Paula’s got some big hair tonight.

- See-moan gives the best advice to the contestants: “Sing well.”

- And we recap the auditions.  I fast forward.  I love DVR.

- Rudy is up first.  He auditioned with “Open Arms.”  He’s a starving musician.  See-moan hates Rudy, or something.

- Rudy’s “Free Ride” isn’t too shabby.  He’s a little high-pitched for me.  You remember those “Saved By The Bell” musical performances?  Felt like that.   Don’t remember the sounds of Zack Attack?  Take a look:

- Not a bad way to start the “season.”  Randy called it corny.  LIKE ZACK ATTACK!  Paula was supportive.  See-moan says he’s not unique.  Paula gasps, while Randy supports Mr. British.

- Seacrest chills in the Sponsored Cola Lounge.  Chris Griffin talks about how pretty all the boys are.  Chris Timberlake swears he’s not nervous.

- Brandon, one of our back-up singers, is ready to step up.

- Don’t know how I feel about this.  His “Rock With You” is really dull.  It’s a dance song.  He hits the high note, but overnd all seemed uninspiried.  Randy calls it pitchy and weird.  Paula reminds him he’s the front man.  See-moan calls it “safe and predictable.”

- That brings us to Sundance Head, who’s on the all-name team this season.  He fought through Hollywood week.

- “Nights in White Satin.”  Interesting classic choice.  Despite the Uncle Kracker hair and demonic beard, he has great stage presence.  Best performance of the night, so far.  Randy, Paula, and See-moan disagree with me.  It’s OK.  They want him to go back to the bluesy guy who auditioned.

- Time for Paul Kim.  He tried out because he wanted one last shot before abandoning the music industry.  Oh!  He’s the barefoot guy.  Nobody’s gonna change him.  Riiiight.

- WHAM!!!!  Paul karaoke’s “Careless Whisper.”  Sounded like he was singing through his throat.  I’ve done that same performance in my living room.  That’s not a compliment.  His high note wakes up the neighbor’s dog.  Judges like him but not his performance tonight.  See-moan suggests he puts his shoes on next week.  Seacrest goes barefoot in a show of solidarity and admits he just had a pedicure.  Oh-kay.  Let’s hear the song done right:

- Chris Timberlake (his new official blog name) is the local DC-area guy favorite.

- He does an upbeat happy-go-lucky version of Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be.”  Was it Bo who did it a few years back?  Or Constantine?  I’m not so hot on my Idol history.  HELP ME OUT, PEOPLE!  Either way, the other version was much better than this.  It got better towards the end, but still not good.

- By the way, Gavin DeGraw spent some time at the best school in the world.  Randy liked it.  Paula loved it.  Chris’ dad bopped in the crowd.  See-moan agrees with me.

- Apparently, The O.C. will end on Thursday.  I have a confession.  I have NEVER watched a single episode of that show.  Where’s my “Party of Five?”

- Nick had trouble with the lyrics in Hollywood.  Even after See-moan told everyone NOT to mess with the lyrics.  He messed up last season, too.

- Bust out some old school…Richard Marx’ “Now and Forever.”  Richard Marx is completely underrated.  Here’s another RM classic:

- I thought he was decent.  Randy didn’t like it and thought it was boring.  See, I had time to go on about Richard Marx.  See-moan thought is was OK.  Unfortunately, one of our better performances of the night.  First contestant See-moan has said would be back next week.

- Oh, this should be interesting.  The Beatbox sings!   But first, Seacrest flirts with the girls.  He auditioned with “Crazy,” earning major points with me.  The beatboxing is entertaining, but maybe not right for this competition.   He isn’t retiring his talent, but will focus on the singing.

- Beatbox rocks Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know.”  He strumbled over the high notes, but otherwise was damn good.  I enjoyed that.  Randy: “I kinda dug that.”  Word.  Paula gushed.  See-moan compliments him on his modernity.  Best of the night, according to See-moan and myself.

- Sanjaya “Donnie” Osmond says his sister is supporting him.  He’s one of the more self-aware singers in the group.  And the youngest.  He just got his GED, or, in the words of Chris Rock, “Good Enough Degree.”  I don’t really like him.  He seems to have this “I’m too cool for school” air about him.  Hence, the Good Enough Degree.  Oh shut up you pretentious prick!  When my sister got cut, I felt like half of me was gone?  Shut up.

- He covers Stevie Wonder again.  It worked in his audition, but not now.  Bad Version of Stevie is Cardinal Sin #1.  I think they are trying to turn him into a David Cassidy-like figure.  Good idea, but it won’t work.  Randy agrees that trying Stevie was a terrible choice.  Paula: “You’re a sweet soul.”  But then she criticizes his performance.  See-moan gets a CLASSIC zinger in: “The irony was the the most used line in the song is ‘I don’t want to bore you with this,’ and it was, without question, the most dreary performance we’ve had all night.”  Have I mentioned yet how awesome See-moan is?  Pout away, Sanjaya.  Seacrest stirs the pot.  Sanjaya and See-moan reach an understanding on the goodness of each other’s hair.  What a weird show…

- We look back at Chris Griffin’s original audition with “Kiss By A Rose.”  He confesses that the producers made the arena full of people sing “Sweet Home Alabama” 37 times.  Gotta love TV.  He was one of my ones to watch.

- Well, he said song choice would be his strength, and he picked an obscure song, “Typical” by Mute Math.  Never heard of the song or the band.  Definitely a statement song, with the line, “I don’t want to be typical” being the words that seem to define him.  Cool.  Very good performance.  Randy joins me as a Chris fan.  Paula signs up.  See-moan likes Chris but wasn’t feeling the performance.

- Y’know, Chris reminds me more and more of a 2007 WWE Hall of Fame Inductee, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes!  Judge for yourself:

- Chris zings See-moan by saying he isn’t bad just because he doesn’t sing Il Divo or Teletubbies (two Cowell projects).  I was considering putting pictures up, but…well…it was Il Divo and the Teletubbies…

- Back from break, Seacrest is in the Sponsored Cola Lounge with the three remaining performers.

- Jared lost his job waiting tables to try out.  His Hollywood Week “Cupid,” was one of my favorites of the week.  He delivers a smooth 90s R&B performance of Brian McKnight’s “Back at One.”  Kind of fell apart at the end after a good start.  Trouble with the high notes.  Randy and Paula thought it was OK, not great.  They expect more from him.  See-moan reminds us it wasn’t very risky.

- Time for The Phenomenal A.J. Tibaldo.  “Never Too Much” by Luther Vandross.  It’s decent, not show-stopping.  Maybe it’s the first-night jitters?  Judges agree.  See-moan thinks A.J. might be better than he first thought.

- Phil, who missed the birth of his daughter to try out, looks kind of like a young Michael Stipe and is the final performer of the night.  His version of Edwin McCain’s “I Could Not Ask For More” got better as it went on.  Started really soft, but the energy picked up.  His wife is happy.  And…what the hell…it was one of the better performances of the night.  Randy calls it the “best vocal of the night.”  Paula loved the chorus, as did I.  See-moan agrees the beginning was rough, but that it was OK.

- Basically, tonight was a “Hi, here we are” edition for the guys.  Blake and Phil are shoe-ins, the rest are shaky.  Who goes home?  Crap shoot.  Barefoot Paul and Sanjaya can leave and I wouldn’t care.  Who’s gonna win?  Way too early to tell.  These guys have a LOT of growing to do.  Nobody stood out as a star tonight.

- Beatbox Blake gets the MVP (Most Valuable Performer) award tonight, edging out Chris (Griffin) who called See-moan out for the Teletubbies.

Back tomorrow for the ladies.  Spread the love!  Thanks for reading!