American Idol – Audition Show #5

And here we go with Week Three of auditions. Will they ever end?

As always, much love to Comcast Digital Video Recorder.

Even more love to you, who has found the BEST American Idol recap on the Internet. I appreciate it. Tell a friend!

We’re in Alabama tonight. Ryan reminds us that some of the biggest names in Idol history, including Bo, Taylor, and Reuben (literally…the biggest!) are Alabamians. Also from Alabama: This Bo (he knows). Crud–half the people reading this probably have 1) no clue who Bo Jackson is and 2) never seen the “Bo Knows” commercials. I feel old.

- A woman stands in line wearing curlers. I’ll refrain from the Southern jokes. Just in case the South actually does rise again, or something like that. I hate the Yankees, though. Go O’s!

- We’ve got misfits in the crowd. Including the Mayor!

- See-moan shows up on time today! Unlike the unfortunate hangover in NY. Then he promptly changes his shirt. OK. Weird.

- Erica Skahhh is a hottie from Auburn. WAR EAGLE! (Thanks to Mr. Hypens for teaching me that) She’s studying biological science. Good to see motivated youth!

- Wait. Hold up. My new girlfriend thinks that LEEANN RIMES wrote “Unchained Melody.” Try BUSTA RHYMES, honey. She should return to school. And never sing again. Randy’s reaction is CLASSIC. Then she forgets the words. See-moan: “Erica, it was like a never-ending torture.” She then continues to sing. Paula can’t watch, and, despite Erica’s hotness, neither can I. Wait, I’ll just mute it!

- After tons of bad singers, we meet Katie, another 19 year old.

- Blog Friend Andrea: omg this girls speaking voice makes me wanna kill myself. I agree, my friend. I agree. She sounds like this:

- Katie SWEARS her singing voice is nothing like her speaking voice.

- Dammit, she’s right. And not too bad. Paula and Randy end up on their knees. Enough said. WAIT! Katie’s married? He looks so lame with his upturned collar and complete lack of a personality. See-moan looks so unamused. And she goes through.

- Our next contestant is tiny. And thinks trying out is the biggest thing she’s ever done in her life. Did I mention she’s 17? I thought tying my shoes was a big deal when I was 17! (For the record, I mostly wear slip-on shoes) Or…first kiss? (For the record, that was at 16).

- Tatiana has a BIG voice in a little body.

- Diana has a BIG body. She was a cheerleader. Of course, she was the base of the pyramid. Wait. THIS pyramid! I feel icky when she says she could do splits.

- Update: Diana has a BAD voice in a big body. She makes the judges and me crack up laughing. Apparently, she get s a standing ovation whenever she sings in public. Randy: “When they stand, do they exit really quickly?”

- Back from the break, Bernard looks to be the next Birmingham superstar. He tries out with old school Jack-o. Good enough for me. See-moan gives him a 100% yes. Paula says no. Bernard appeals to the Dawg Pound and Randy puts him through!

- Holy mother of pearl! Margaret is Big Bird! If Big Bird ate Snuffy! Ryan, like the rest of America, doubts her age.

- She want’s to start a line of plus-sized clothing. By showing us parts of her body that nobody has any interest in seeing. I’m sorry, but words can’t describe my emotions right now. Thankfully, Edvard Munch put a picture to my feelings.

- She shows her number to the judges. I just ate…

- Randy does a beat box, as See-moan has a look of utter disdain in his eyes. See-moan says she looks like, “an Easter Bunny nightmare experiment.” And I couldn’t agree more. Then, to be an awesome jerk, coaxes her REAL age out of her. 33…wait…no…50!

- They don’t actually SHOW us a bunch of good auditions. Too many freaks on the show.

- Next blonde bombshell has a story…her father is paralyzed and her grandmother helps take care of the two of them. She wants to win to get a rancher home for her grandma. I hope she’s alright.

- Hold up. Her father shot himself. He caught her stepmom cheating on him…like…walked in. Shot her, then shot himself. Yikes. That’s an awkward silence…

- Randy and See-moan agree with Paula’s critique that Jaime Lynn has a nice voice–when she’s not powering through the song. Paula then does an awkward dog pose that looks something like this. And we’ve got a super-tan Kellie Pickler for this season.

- Chris looks like a illegitimate love-child of Jack Osbourne and Bruce Vilanch. Hahaha…he says he looks like X-Tina. See, he was joking. That’s why it was funny.

- More good stuff from Chris. Randy: “Why are you hear, man?” Chris: “I really wanna make David Hasselhoff cry.” This guy is CLASSIC!

- Damn, he’s got a pretty good voice. Does a good version of “Kiss By A Rose.” He’s through.

- Because it’s one of my favorite song (and probably a top-30 movie song of all time), I give you, Mr. Heidi Klum!

- I think I need to post more of the GENIUS Geico Caveman commercials. Brilliant stuff.

- Last time, See-moan was absent on Day Two (see above). This time, Paula has a “family obligation.” I’ll reserve comment on that one.

- Blog Friend Andrea aptly-named our next contestant “ZZ Top” even though the producers went with the other obvious sight gag. She has never had a hair cut. And her mom has gone decades between trimmings, as well. Doesn’t Hair Cuttery have a good deal? She says she sings like a pretty princess.

- Randy: “It’s to the floor.” And I now have a very dirty Lil Jon song stuck in my head.

- Umm…she was…there. With the hair, long dress, eerie mother, and Josh Groban song performed operatically, I felt like I was here:

- Randy puts the hair through, but leaves Victoria behind.

- Lakia claims to have the total package. Unfortunately, she has no elements of the total package. See-moan: “What. The Hell. Was That.”

- Other bad contestants thank the judges.

- Nicole brings her team with her. She wrote a song in pre-school to prove to her mom that she had talent. They do the gratuitous butt-shot. She’s only 17!!! They can’t do that! What is she? Let’s say it together: JAILBAIT! Team Nicole was shot down. It happened to my team, too.

- The final contestant is Brandy, a Birmingham native. And she performs Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” a statement song in Madonna’s career, setting her apart from the rest of the music industry by embracing sensuality that was now easy to get across in music because of the advent of MTV. Brandy’s version set us all back to 8-Tracks.

- See-moan: “Brandy, everything about that was wrong.”

- Brandy: “Maybe it’s the floor or something?” See-moan: “Of course!” Randy blames the left wall.

- See-moan asks Brandy to sing on the carpet, to test the “Blame the Floor” theory. To her credit, it was marginally better. But a marginal improvement on horrific is still pretty cruddy. She can’t handle the truth. The problem, I believe, was the ceiling. Floors and walls get blamed for so much of the ceiling’s talent-sapping powers.

- Hilarity ensues with Brandy. She insults Randy, pokes fun at See-moan, and rants and raves. Solid.

- Tomorrow, Los Angeles. See you then!

Thanks for reading! Make sure to send the link to a friend!

Ohhhhh Yeah! (A Randy Savage Post)

Well, looks like I’ve got old school WWF on my mind!

Here is a classic Macho Man Randy Savage interview:

GREAT Old WWE Commercial

Remember these?  I loved them.  You’d think they’re real!!!!!  Show some love for the Junk Yard Dog!!!

The Approved List

So, I was watching Comedy Central today…as they counted down the Top 20 Stand-Up Comedians of all time. They pimped “The Sarah Silverman Program” at least every 7 minutes.

That got me to thinking about “The Approved List.” You know that list. The list of women who you tell your girlfriend or wife that, if you EVER get a chance with them, it’s allowed.

I’m going to give you the 5 women currently on my personal “Approved List.” Let me know who you have on yours!

My “Approved List” (In no particular order):

1. The Inspiration for this post, Sarah Silverman:

2. WWE Diva Maria Kanelis:

3. Star of the HOT movie “Unfaithful,” Diane Lane

4a. The two hottest Lois Lanes EVER (1) Smallville’s Erica Durance:

4b. And, from “Lois and Clark,” Teri Hatcher:

5. And…Jessica Rabbit.

So, I squeezed 6 on a 5-woman list. But Lois Lane counts as a single entry and…well…Jessica Rabbit is a cartoon. Don’t hate her…she’s just drawn that way!

Feel free to post your list. But PLEASE keep it family-friendly (my mom and dad read this, yknow!) .

Roger Federer, the Greatest Ever?

Early this morning, Eastern Time, Roger Federer won the Australian Open.  It was his 10th major victory and he did not lose a single set inthe entire tournament.  He only even played THREE tiebreakers.  That’s seven victories.  Twenty one sets.  One Championship.  And he made Andy Roddick look like a fool.

Is there any other individual athlete that has been as dominant as Federer?  Ever?  Maybe Tiger Woods in the last 1990s.  Mike Tyson in the 1980s?  I’m not looking at team sports on for this conversation.  Since 2003, Federer has won 10 majors.  In that span, he has only lost ONE final (2006 French Open).  When he approaches the summit, he is unstopable.  Throw in 36 other tournament victories since 2001.  Oh, and he’s 25 and probably has another 3-5 years of utter dominance left in him.  So all the Roddicks of the world should get used to quarterfinal exits as long as the new “Great One” has enterted the tournament.

Federer wins Aussie Open without dropping a set

Posted: Sunday January 28, 2007 6:22AM; Updated: Sunday January 28, 2007 8:21AM

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	Roger Federer had 45 winners and only 19 unforced errors, dropping only one service game in the 2-hour, 20-minute match. AP
	Roger Federer Grand Slam Finals Won 10, Lost 1 2003 Wimbledon def. Mark Philippoussis, 7-6 (5), 6-2, 7-6 (3) 2004 Wimbledon def. Andy Roddick, 4-6, 7-5, 7-6 (3), 6-4 2005 Wimbledon def. Andy Roddick, 6-2, 7-6 (2), 6-4 2006 Australian Open def. Marcos Baghdatis, 5-7, 7-5, 6-0, 6-2 2006 Wimbledon def. Rafael Nadal, 6-0, 7-6 (5), 6-7 (2), 6-3 2007 Australian Open def. Fernando Gonzalez, 7-6 (2), 6-4, 6-4
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MELBOURNE, Australia (AP) — Roger Federer captured his 10th Grand Slam singles title without dropping a set, finishing a dominating run through the Australian Open by beating Fernando Gonzalez of Chile 7-6 (2), 6-4, 6-4 in Sunday’s final.

Federer improved his winning streak to a career-best 36 matches, became the first man in the Open era to twice win three straight majors and has won six of the last seven Grand Slam titles — his only loss was in the French Open final to Rafael Nadal.

It also was the first time that a champion went through a major without dropping a set since the 1980 French Open, when Bjorn Borg did it for the third time. Ken Rosewall, who was sitting in the stands, was the last man to accomplish the feat at the Australian Open, in 1971.

By reaching the final, Federer already had tied Jack Crawford’s record of playing in seven consecutive finals at the majors, set in 1934.

The 25-year-old Federer now is within four of Pete Sampras’ record 14 Grand Slam titles.

“I don’t know how I did it so quickly, in such a short period of time,” Federer said.

Next up is the French Open, the only major he hasn’t won.

“That’s such a tough Grand Slam to win,” Federer said. “I am improving year by year on clay and maybe one year (Nadal) won’t be in the final. If he is, maybe I can beat him.”

While Federer made his two-week blitz look easy, he said a lot of work went into it.

“It all works out in the end. It is just wonderful. I have had a great run here again this year,” he told a crowd that included his parents, who sat courtside after flying in to watch him for the first time in Australia. “I am very proud to be holding this trophy again.”

Gonzalez, who fell to 0-10 against Federer, said the Swiss star was simply too good.

“I have to congratulate again — again — Roger,” the 26-year-old Chilean said. “He is a great champion who played a really good match today, all week — almost all his life.”

Federer said he had thought about a different strategy against Gonzalez, then recalled his past success.

“In the end I said, you know what, I’ve beaten him nine times, so just take it easy and play your game, and hopefully it is going to work out,” he said. “It did.”

Gonzalez, seeded 10th and in his first Grand Slam final, kept Federer under pressure with his big forehand, but could not quite match the all-around game of the player who has been ranked No. 1 for 156 consecutive weeks.

He broke Federer in the ninth game, the first break point chance of the match, and had two set points in the next game but failed to convert.

“I was missing too many forehands, I didn’t know what to do exactly with his slice,” Federer said. “Maybe the wind, maybe his court coverage and everything put me under pressure, and I wasn’t feeling that great right from the start.

“If he closes out 6-4, he is clearly the better player in that set. I came back just at the right moment.”

Federer broke back to level it at 5-all, then had four set points in the next game before Gonzalez held in a game that went to deuce seven times. That forced a tiebreaker which Federer dominated, jumping out to a 5-0 lead after winning a challenge against an incorrect baseline call and getting the first point replayed.

Gonzalez, the Olympic doubles champion, had conceded only two points on serve in the second set until Federer broke for a 4-3 lead.

Federer fired an ace to close the second set and broke Gonzalez in the seventh game of the third. He earned triple championship point with a forehand winner and closed it with a backhand down the line.

Fernando Gonzalez, who had only three unforced errors against Tommy Haas in the semifinals, had 28 against Roger Federer. AP

“That match point was fantastic,” Federer said. “I think that was my only backhand winner up the line when he was also at the baseline. To finish it off like this, it was great.”

He fell to his back, rolled over and then got up, hit a ball into the stands and took a bow. He held both arms high before throwing his wristband into crowd.

For the match, Federer lost only 17 points in 16 service games plus the tiebreaker, and dropped only two points on serve in the last set.

He finished with 45 winners and only 19 unforced errors — just four in the final set.

Gonzalez, who had only three unforced errors against Tommy Haas in the semifinals, had 28 against Federer to go with 31 winners.

The first set lasted 65 minutes, two minutes longer than Serena Williams needed to win the women’s final 6-1, 6-2 over Maria Sharapova on Saturday afternoon.

Williams stayed in Melbourne and was at a packed Rod Laver Arena on a chilly, breezy night for the men’s final that had fans bundled up.

Just as in last year’s victory over Marcos Baghdatis, Federer had to beat an opponent who had become a crowd darling.

Amid chants of “Vamos Fernando!” and “Come on, Speedy!” one particularly fervent fan clutched the corners of a Chilean flag and kissed the corners on key points.

Federer had plenty of backers, too, with a number of faces painted like the Swiss flag. One fan waved a sign that proclaimed “Federer is betterer,” and the Swiss star backed it up.

Gonzalez was trying to run around his backhand to whip powerful forehands and Federer sought to keep him from doing it, leading to a number of backhand-to-backhand rallies.

But while Gonzalez has improved his backhand, the most glaring weakness in his game, Federer showed he can rip winners from either side.

Gonzalez was grunting, not on his shots but with effort while tracking down Federer’s groundstrokes to the corners. He stumbled and fell once and nearly a second time, and frequently tied his shoes to buy time.

Agent Zero, All Star Starter

In honor of Gilbert Arenas being named a starter for the Eastern Conference in the upcoming NBA All-Star Game, I give you plenty of Gilbert Goodness!  Here are all of his Wizards game-winning shots.  And there are PLENTY!  Agent Zero never disappoints!

Party time. Excellent. (The Wayne’s World Post)

One of the great movie scenes of my generation.  “If you’re gonna spew, spew into this.” “He does this every Friday.”  “It will be mine.  Oh yes, it will be mine.”

To this day, I still want a cable access show in Aurora, IL.  Admit it, you do, too.

American Idol – Audition Show #4

Just on a one hour delay tonight. Thanks to Bally’s and Comcast (my gym and my Digital Video Recording service).

Thanks to everyone for reading these recaps and passing them along to your friends. I really appreciate it. Remember, the links are added fun (and help explain some of the jokes), while Simon is now officially See-moan after the hottie from Audition Show #1 called him that. Caught up? Let’s roll!

- We’ve got a 2-hour doozy in New York City, which apparently has never produced a winner. They did once, produce a stinker, but blamed it on New Jersey, natch.

- A Punky Brewster lookalike says NY will actually produce the winner this year. I don’t care about that. I do, however, care about how hot Punky Brewster got when she grew up! Great googily moogily!

- Nobody sure how many people there were at the audition. I think…INFINITY!

Gotta love Square One.

- Some songwriter I’ve never heard of is with them. She’s written for everyone. Good stuff. Rock on, Phil Collins! OH! She’s Burt Bacharach’s ex-wife. Works for me.

- Ian is here. And he’s…obnoxious. Ohhh…I fooled you! He claims to be a singer and a superstar. Just ask one of his therapists. See-moan: “You’re not good at anything.” Amen, brother. Ian: “Do you have a working visa to be here?” His tirade is hilarious. No…it’s fabulous.

- Ohhh…scandal! Sarah lied to her parents about trying out. Way to confess that to the cameras in a tearful soliloquy, making sure you’ll be on the audition show and your parents will know either way. Apparently, if she wins, her Daddy will be proud of her. She needs a hug. And then she cries to the judges about it.

- Wait. She’s not too bad. Not “winner” good, but maybe I will call her anytime See-moan says as much, but admires her gumption. They put her through and she breaks down for the fourth time in 2 minutes of TV time.

- Seacrest helps Sarah call home. Her dad doesn’t know it’s her. That’s the problem. Seacrest comforts Sarah while talking to her father. Sweet.

- It’s “My Big Fat American Idol Tryouy” with Fania. I think she’s from Meepos!

- Ashanti’s here! Not that one. She’s gone to Hollywood twice on the show, never made it further, yet still doesn’t get the hint. Not-Ashanti outlines her diet. The protein hasn’t helped her voice all that much. Apprently, See-moan doesn’t understand how hard she’s worked. She thinks she deserves to go through for a THIRD time because she struggled with her weight. Ummm…no.

- Amanda and Antonella. Best Friends. Hot. So hot. We get bikini shots. And grinding shots.

- Randy: “Grab her.” The other judges laugh at him as he instructs Amanda to fetch Antonella. I see nothing wrong with that. Let a playa play!

- See-moan calls their duet a mess. Two girls at once can be…

- Amanda get’s through because See-moan is indifferent. I’m not making this up.

- Antonella is more my type See-moan agrees with me. Again, great minds, people…great minds.

- Average Joe plays the harmonica. And pretends to be that guy from Police Academy!!

- Definition of Irony: Avg. Joe walks into the room as a “King of the Hill” chyron runs across the bottom of the screen.

- Avg. Joe’s voice goes to 11. No links. You’ll have to figure that one out by yoursellf.

- A SPACEMEAN walks in. Alright.

- Another contestant performing Aretha. She’s good enough to make it through!

- See-moan got drunk overnight or something like that. So we are sans-See-moan to begin Day 2. Randy’s gotta deliver for me here.

- First up is Jenry who’s got a great R&B voice. Welcome to Hollywood. Paula gets too excited. Yo…he’s SIXTEEN. Ease up, killer.

- Nakia is a bundle of energy. She’s fun and has some pipes! But fun doesn’t cut it in this game. Sorry, honey. Honestly, this is heartbreaking.

- Sarah Goldberg represents my people. I think she knows how terrible she is. We’re CRAFTY! Wait–she just admited she’s messing with everyone! I LOVE HER!!!! Sarah: “Listen to me, I’m not a singer.”

- Hold up. This girl is CRAZY! She thinks they can mold her into the next American Idol. Hmmm…not unheard of in Jewish culture! Sarah: “Paris Hilton can’t sing.” Randy: “She’s not an American Idol…this is a singing competition!” Sarah: “I’m unique. WOOOOOOOOO.” Melodramatic Jewish Woman. Story of my life!

- Sarah gives the security guard a shoutout. Shout is the key word here.

- See-moan hit the hair of the dog and makes it to work!

- Antonio is middle-aged and crazy! He’s rockin’ Sinatra in style and voice. Except he doesn’t really know English.

- Another one of us! A Canadian-Californian Jew! Jory Steinberg: “If I can hang with the Queen of England, I can definitely kick it with See-moan Cowell.” KEEP HER ON MY SCREEN ALL SEASON LONG! She can be the mother of my children! See-moan: Why can’t they all be like that?” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: great minds.

- We’ve got a Rocky wannabe (two Apollo Creeds and now a Rocky? If someone comes dressed like Adrienne, I quit). She knows Rocky was from Philly, right? She lost 15-20 pounds. How does that help your voice? She also amazingly claims that it takes a New Yorker to deal with the American Idol lifestyle. Umm…history says otherwise, kiddo. But her body is ROCKIN.

- Oh, one thing. Her voice isn’t as good as her body. The judges like her. We don’t have
to agree on every choice. Group hug minus See-moan. Grouch.

- People in New York have strange names. Right.

- Chris looks like Mini-See-moan. SEND IN THE CLONE! He oddly sings a Kelly Clarkson song. It takes a real man to rock the falsetto. See-moan: “The reality is you should be singing in a dress and stillettos.” Randy asks him to sing Barry White. HAHAHAHAHA! Paula and See-moan have their first fight of the season.

- Punky Brewster is back! She might lose her opera scholership by skipping class to be there. She has a dreamcatcher in her hair. And she’s going to Hollywood. Being a bad winner, she disses the South, presumably for being the part of the country where the previous winners were born. Right.

- There is a party in the holding room. Seacrest gets his boogie on, leading into a montage of “All Night Long” auditions.

- Pause. Was that a dude dressed like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? To each their own, I guess…

- And pause, again. A dude that looks exactly like Ugly Betty. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH NEW YORK TONIGHT???

- Blog friend Julia has a thing for Chris Richardson. She wanted me to tell you that. Not a bad singer. Paula calls him “special.”

- Randy compares singing to marinating. He’s the professional and I’m the blogger, so I’ll defer to him.

- On an aside, has anyone ever watched an episode of “Bones?”  Really?  Anyone?  David Boreanaz went to the best college in America, but I’ve never actually heard of anyone who watches this show.

- Besides the abundant cross-dressers, New York has had a bunch of terrible contestants.

- Nick quit in Hollywood last year, but came back.  He forgot the words to a GREAT song:

- Nick still has a decent enough voice.  And Paula goes buckwild again.  (Oh man…that’s TWO “Flavor of Love” references in two nights.  You love it.)

- Isadora will be the last performer tonight.  Ah…she’s a palm reader.  Compares herself to some musical legends.  I THINK she’s attempting to sing “Lady Marmalade” but she seems to have forgotten how to breathe.  And sing. But I get the impression that she never really knew how to sing at all.

- See-moan: “What normally happens when you sing in public?”

- Apparently, she performed with George Clinton.  Wait…THIS George Clinton!  Remind me to tell you about the time I hung out with him on his tour bus!  100% true story.

- And we end on an odd note.  35 people made it through.

- Next week, Alabama!!!

Thanks for reading and spread the love!

American Idol – Audition Show #3

We’re a little delayed tonight.  Gym, Chipotle, some of the Gilbert Arenas/Wizards game, waiting for special guest mocker Philly Girl, who will help keep the jokes fresh tonight.

Before I get started…I was talking on the phone with the State of the Union address on mute.  I saw Dikembe Mutombo sitting next to Laura Bush.  Someone please fill me in!!!

Also, I did catch bits and pieces of the show when it was live tonight.  This recap will be on my first FULL viewing.  Sorry if it loses some authenticity.  Thanks again to Comcast DVR for allowing me to do this!

- We’re in Memphis tonight, baby!  What’s the over/under on Elvis impersonators?

- Apparently, the city is empty because EVERYONE (except for the trolley driver) is trying out for Idol.  He needs an attitude readjustment.

- Randy likes donuts.  I’m shocked.

- Frank Byers is a male cheerleader.  And he brings the entire cheerleading squad.  He’s got spirit, yes he does!  Call him “Frank and Beans.”  Classy.

- I like him better than the judges do, and he doesn’t make it through.  He needs the PERFECT CHEER!!!!  His entourage breaks into song and dance and use Ryan as a human pyramid!  This is AWESOME entertainment, dear reader.

- See-moan: “Did somebody tell him he didn’t get through?…Not being rude, but can you shut up?”  Again, he is consistently the best entertainer on TV.  Ryan says See-moan is a bit of a bitch today.  No comment.

- They find the most boring person, Timika.  She’s 16, from Chicago, but now lives in Memphis.  I compared someone to melba toast last week.  But I think it’s better here.

- She mumbles all of her words and See-moan has NO CLUE what she is saying.  I’m with you, buddy.  Timika DOES remind me of a classic cartoon character, though.  Randy reluctantly translates for See-moan.

- Timika: “Can I sing another song?”  See-moan: “It’s completely pointless.”   She then sings another song.  And flicks off the camera.

- Christopher breaks a cardinal rule by singing Stevie Wonder.  Next.

- Alexis is the 3rd straight auditioner that nobody can understand.  Paula does her mocking shoulder shimmy.  Sweet.

- We meet Sundance.  Where’s Butch Cassidy?  Sundance’s father, Roy Head, had the #1 song in America, “Treat Her Right,” which got knocked off by the Beatles.  Very cool.

- He’s the best we’ve seen so far this season.  By far.  Honestly, right now, he’s the leader in the clubhouse.  See-moan: “I’m gonna be amazed if you don’t make the finals.”  See?  Great minds think alike!

- Wandera is pretty decent, but the judges don’t think she’s unique enough for the competition.  She’s not happy.  I side with her on this one.  She should have made it through to the next round.  You can’t say someone’s a good singer then send them home!

- Isn’t it ironic that Memphis has sucked so far?

- Here comes Travis to perform a song that reminds him of his girlfriend and he gets so emotional every time her performs.  He then boogies down like only one man has before.  And look what happened to him!  This is more like slam poetry.

- Show takes a turn for the better when Danielle comes on.  I like her dance.   She tackles Aretha Franklin and does a damn good job.  A little to choreographed, but I’ll watch her sing every day.  Randy wasn’t THAT impressed.  But I disagree.  She’s got a little Pickler in her, with some Underwood pipes.  And that’s Day One.

- Day Two starts with everyone wanting to reach out and touch Paula.

- Holy crap.  Topher is obese, recently divorced, has a SWEET neck-chin beard with no sideburns or mustache (I call it the Fat Man Beard.  No disrespect to overweight men, but you never see skinny dudes rockin’ that look), and has a crush on Ms. Abdul.  Philly Girl makes her contribution to the recap: “Did his wife leave him for someone who doesn’t sleep in Star Wars pajamas?”  Truer words have never been spoken.

- Ugh…Topher wants to win the competition so his ex would come grovelling back to him, only so he can kick her to the curb.  Keep it real, playa…keep it real.  When you become the next American Idol, you’ll have PLENTY of ladeeeez to choose from.

- He calls his ex a “bitch” on national TV.  Randy suggests Paula as a new love interest for Topher.  See-moan: “I’d stay single.”  Paula responds with a titty-twister.  Please click on that link.  You’ll thank me after.

- Topher dances like this:

- I’m as shocked as you are that he didn’t make it.

- Janita wears sunglasses inside–because her future is SO bright.  She also almost has several wardrobe malfunctions because her bazoombas are SO unsupported.  See-moan: “Well, Janita, you are a handful.”  I’d say two handfuls.

-  Shawn looks like the lovechild of Matisyahu and Fidel Castro.  And he’s from Arkansas, were there aren’t many Jews or Cubans.  To each their own.  He rocks Johnny Cash and might be the suprise of the season.  He then kicks ass by doing the Mary Catherine Gallagher “Superstar” move.

- Melinda, a professional backup singer, breaks the cardinal rule by singing Stevie Wonder.  But she’s the exception to the rule and was VERY good.  She has no confindence, but a ton of talent.

- Elvis is in the building.  Or at least a guy that thinks he sounds like the King.  Robert looks stunningly like one of my favorite musical talents of all time: FLAVOR FLAV!!!!!!  No grillz, though.  And VH1 probably won’t have him do 25 shows.  Of course, he sounds nothing like Elvis.

- Contestant: “I’ve been having an anxiety attack all day.  I think I forgot my medication.”

- Oh my goodness gracias.  They had a 400-pound woman sing “Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love.”  That is so amazing.  These producers are the cruelest people in the world.  She was just…so…so…literal!

- Some guy pulls a towel out of his crotch.  GONG!

- Next contestant missed the birth of his daughter to try out for the show.  I’m, not going to judge, but that’s kinda messed up.  He sings “My Girl.”  Except for the awful beginning, it was pretty good.  The judges put him through and he runs to go see his newborn child for the first time.  He’s got a little big of the Chris Daughtry simple, bald, family man appeal.

- And we’re done.  Tomorrow is The Big Apple!

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Easterns Motors – Where Your Job Is Your Credit!

This is quite possibly the catchiest commerical in recent memory.  From bad lip-syncing (LaVar Arrington) to bad car-dancing (Clinton Portis) to bad-snitching (Carmelo Anthony–don’t worry if you don’t get the joke), it’s got it all.

You will have this stuck in your head for at least seven weeks.  Thank me later.